what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
