Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
