Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
