Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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