Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
