my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The power of my boobs compel you
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
