Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
