It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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