I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
