I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
