smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
