if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
