I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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