there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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