she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
