Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
