Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
sex in a hospital.. check
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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