i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Is Oprah even human
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
