I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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