i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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