What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
