I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
