You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
