Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
