Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
