And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
