but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
