I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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