so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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