your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
