Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
