i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
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