I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
birth control should be required to get into college
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
