So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
