Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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