my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
