drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
