I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
