i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
he told me I talked like a deaf person
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
