My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
