i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
