I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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