wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
