I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
you had me at cake vodka
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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