Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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