You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
