She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
