Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
