Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
