I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
